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Aklımda yazmam gereken o kadar çok şey var ki, tembellik yapıp da hepsini yazmamak için hiçbir sebep yok. Gözümde büyüttüğümden değil gerçekten çoklar. Ya hepsini anlatmak gerekir ya hiç başlamamak. Bu yüzden zengin sofralara oturmayı sevmem. Doymak için gelen de ordadır, muhabbete gelen de. Ne o kadar alakasız insanın hepsiyle muhabbet edebilirsin ne de tüm o yemeklerle doyabilirsin. Doymak anca azla yetinebilen az sayıdaki insanların işidir.
Bir de yıllar yıllar sonra bir kadından etkilendim. Bu kez yalancı değilim çünkü farkına vardığımda sarhoş değildim ve içtiğimde de hiçbir şey değişmedi. Hâlbuki “İçince insanlar değişir” sözüne çok güvenirdim. Çünkü ya ayıkken yalancıyız ya da sarhoşken. Genelde insanlar ayıkken yalancı olduğu için alkol satışlarından yeni parayla bilmem kaç milyar lira vergi toplanması çok doğal. Özleriz çünkü yalan söylemeyecek kadar dünyasız olduğumuz zamanları. İçmeyen insan bu yüzden korkutur beni.
O kadına da, ondan etkilendiğimi söyledim ama miktarını belirtmedim. Hem miktarına ben de karar veremedim. Az olup da söylesem küfür gibi, çok olsa aşık oldum zanneder. Oysa herkes içindeki çocuğu öldürmekle meşgulken ben Eros’un cinayetiyle meşguldüm. Zaten okun saplanarak aşık olunması bana çok mantıklı gelmişti. Çünkü elinde silah olan birisi iyi niyetli olamaz. Hadi o zamanlar ok varmış. Peki ya Eros bugün ortaya çıkmış olsaydı? Elinde ok değil tabanca olurdu ve tabancayla iyilik yapanı kim gördü?
Aşık olmayı bu yüzden sevmedim. Bir de yaz mevsimini. Terletir çünkü. Aşık olmak da terlemek gibi, duygular ısındıkça aşk olarak dışarı akar. Belki de o yüzden sırılsıklam aşık olunur. Terleyene de sırılsıklam olmuşsun denilir. Ve duygular yemek gibi değildir beklettikçe soğumaz. Aşık olmaya ihtiyaç duyanları da anlamadım, çözümü olan soğuğa rağmen mantıksızca yazı sevenleri de. Belki de en iyisi soğukta üşümek ve terlememek. Ya da gol olursa diye gelişine vuran futbolcunun ümidi lazım hepimize..
Oğuzhan..
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